get a grip!

I've now been going to the gym for the majority of the past two weeks.  It feels good, and I'm definitely getting stronger.  I've even lost 2 pounds, which is pretty great considering I'm trying to lose the 10 pounds I've gained in the last six months.  So why is it that after just a few negative experiences I feel like I've accomplished nothing?  I know part of it is the desire for instant gratification.  Everybody wants that, and I am a particularly bad offender.  But you just can't undo something overnight.  (Why?!?!)

I'd like to address something.  We (women) have all had this experience:  We run into a friend that maybe we haven't seen in a while, and we say, "Wow!  You look great!" and mean it.  The friend then grimaces and says something to the effect of "No, I don't."  You could think that this friend is completely crazy, and that she has the perfect body, and yet its clear that she's not happy.  In most cases, I don't think that this is the sign of any kind of real problem - its just the way that women are.  I will admit openly to everyone right now - I have never felt worse about my body than I do at this point in my life.  Technically, I'm still within a very normal weight range for my height, and by most standards I'm pretty slim.  The fact is you become used to your body being a certain way, and if it changes, it can be very uncomfortable.  For the most part of my adult life, I hovered between 120 and 125 lbs.  I'm now hovering closer to 140 pounds.  AH.  Sure, its me getting older, its my thyroid condition, its my metabolism slowing down.  But that doesn't make me feel any better.  Its also me eating crap and not exercising.

I've never been thrilled with my body.  There are certain things I've always liked, but there are more things that I don't.  Honestly I think a lot of that has to do with being teased when I was younger.  Flat chest, wide hips, big hands, big feet.  I've heard lots of stuff.  The thing that I'm starting to realize is that while at no point (except maybe one) I was really happy with how I looked, about a year or so later I was always yearning to look the way I did before.  Today I saw a picture of myself from autumn of 2009, in which my stomach is showing.  WHAT??  Not only is my stomach flat, but I have some muscles there.  Muscles!  They are GONE.  I felt so bad after seeing it that I turned my computer off for a while, like it had done something wrong and needed to be punished.

The other day I was out with Tom and we were killing time in a Target before seeing a movie.  They had lots of cute stuff, so I figured I'd try something on.  And then I encountered the most unforgiving dressing room mirror of all time.  Oh God.  I had a serious "Is that what I look like from behind??" moment and felt completely deflated.  I even started feeling bad about my short hair (which I usually love), like it called attention to my flaws.

But okay.  This is just a part of life.  I've been exercising.  Its good.  I will continue to exercise.  I've really been watching what I eat and succeeding at making smarter food choices.  These are very good things.  Sometimes (okay, most of the time) when I am faced with the prospect of a lot of hard work over a long period of time, I get scared and discouraged immediately.  And I say NO!  No no no.  I'm going to do this.  I'm not expecting to get back to that happy flat tummy place immediately, in fact I may never get back there exactly.  But where I am IS a good start, and its time to focus on what I can do now.  I don't think I've ever said it officially, but one of my resolutions for this year is to be kinder to myself.  Retraining your brain is a tall order.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming...