Down the Facebook rabbit hole; or, Have I become less fun?

Its 2 a.m.  I'm not even sure what time I got in bed with my laptop.  I thought, "I'll do something productive!", and then I thought, "Let me look at what people wrote on my Facebook wall between 2006 and 2009!".  God damn timeline.  At first I started to notice comments from "I have no idea who this person is" people.  But then more and more I saw little notes and inside jokes from people that I genuinely miss.  A lot of people.  And also a lot of people that I've de-friended over the years.  Not for any other reason that clearing up my Facebook newsfeed.  Is it normal to be feeling suddenly guilty over these "trims"?

I also started wondering if I'm any fun any more.  Let me rephrase that.  I know I can be fun.  But I used to be a performer!  A crazy kid that stayed up so late with cast mates playing drinking games and watching infomercials that we could then walk to McDonald's and get a mcgriddle when we were done.  I was the girl who was always trying to prove you could give a kick ass performance without taking anything too seriously.  I was cocky.  I had limitless energy.

So I'm not 21 anymore.  That's okay.  My body and my energy levels have changed.  And it doesn't bother me that I'm on a different career path with different goals now.  I think this strange feeling is due to the major change in my social life.  I used to see my friends all the time because I was always at auditions.  So what happens when you remove that part of the equation?  What happens when this one thing that you are all so passionate about is suddenly not your passion anymore?  I find myself longing for these friendships, because there were some really really great ones.  Its not like I no longer consider these people friends.  Its one of those situations where if I ran into any one of them, I'm sure we'd be thrilled to see each other.  But as it is now - me clicking through Facebook, wondering if anyone thinks about me anymore and feeling too chicken shit to do anything about it - I feel like I've lost my key to the club.

I worry that we won't have anything to talk about any more.  For some reason I feel like maybe I've lost the right to be in touch with them.  There are some people who I think might not even like me anymore after my breakup with Mark.  I really have no idea.  There was recently a reunion for Hartt School MT alums, and I was unable to make it due to work.  When I got a chance to look at the pictures, I realized that I hardly recognized anyone.  Its been seven years since I graduated - wait, let me double check that.  Oh yes, SEVEN YEARS since I graduated - and its all fresh blood now.  I feel such a strong disconnect from so many things that were once so familiar.  Its natural, I know, but where do I fit in now?  I'm in a kind of lifestyle limbo.

The thought of walking into the equity lounge just terrifies me at this point.  Even though I've lost 5 pounds and have fabulous hair.  (Wink.)  I feel like a foreigner.  There are still things that make my heart ache.  Pregnancy Pact auditions are coming up, and I read yesterday that Westchester Broadway is doing The Music Man in July.  Parts of me feels a strong ownership over these roles.  But then I remember the rest of the process and the complete uncertainty of the work.  Whereas shows used to be my life, I now feel like shows would interfere with my life.  Ah, conflict.

I'm reminded of a concept from a book on grieving that I read several years ago.  The author suggested that all changes in life - even positive ones - bring on an appropriate grieving period.  You could be thrilled that you've got a new job, or a new baby, or a new apartment, but you'll still grieve the way your life used to be.  That's where I am right now.  I think that's also just a natural part of getting older.  I've still got a year and change to go, but I pretty much just consider myself to be 30 now.  I'm really okay with that, but its weird when I think about myself at 22.  And 23.  And 24.  And so on.

So what's the conclusion here?  I don't know.  Yes I do.  I should be brave.  (Insert any number of quotes here that say you should do stuff that scares you.)  I just wish that being brave didn't give me so much anxiety.  But I guess that's just part of it.

Is this the part where I stand on a roof somewhere with my arms outstretched and I yell some sort of affirmation?  Or should I yell out a window?  You get the idea.

Literary procrastination...

I can't believe I let the whole month of March go by without writing.  Don't get me wrong, there were several times I planned to fit it into my day, but I never made it happen.  I've been suffering from a definite lack of focus and I didn't want to publish something that didn't make any sense.  We'll see if I can make that happen by the end of this.

I spent the majority of the month of March thinking about IIN (school), The Container Store, and The Hunger Games.  Not a joke.  I also spent a good chunk of today moving all my important files onto my external hard drive in order to prepare for the arrival of my new laptop.

Just this sexy thing.

I'll go down the list.

School has been really great, per usual.  I recently had to really sit down and brainstorm a name for my future LLC, and I finally decided upon Bright Life Wellness.  What do you think??  Having seen a whole number of other "health and wellness" company names, I tried to think of something that wasn't completely cheesy and evoked a positive feeling.  Who doesn't want to live a bright life?  I'm currently working on my personal website...stay tuned for the finished product!  I'm also expecting my very first business cards soon.  I'm an entrepreneur, y'all.


The Container Store has been a very interesting learning experience so far.  Imagine, if you will, a working environment in which its almost impossible for you to do something wrong, you're immediately given a lot of responsibility because they trust you, and you can literally ask any other employee for help and know you will get a genuinely friendly response.  Yeah.  I'm still adjusting. I think this job is going to teach me some really valuable people skills.  I'm also starting to accumulate funny/interesting stories.  For example - on Wednesday nights a lot of our customers are Hasidic women trying to haggle with us for container lids, which we don't sell separately from the containers.  What's happening to the original lids?  Why do they go through them so quickly?  Why on Wednesday night??  These are the mysteries of the universe.


And now on to The Hunger Games.  Oh.....The Hunger Games.  I read the trilogy before I started this blog, otherwise you would have already heard me talk about this.  I won't go into too much detail.  I am one of the crazy obsessed fans.  Crazy.  Obsessed.  Reading the books made me feel like a teenager again - when I would read so late into the night my parents would yell at me to go to sleep.  Regardless, I had been counting down the days to the movie premiere like a mad woman.  When I did see the movie on the afternoon of the 24th, I found myself repeatedly trying not to sob during certain scenes.  I loved it.  There was really no way I wasn't going to love it.  I may have even seen it 3 times already...?  Maybe in another post I'll get into why, but honestly I'm too tired right now.  YEAH what an exciting post.  


More soon.  


P.S. During Mad Men this week, I really thought they might give Betty a thyroid cancer plot line.  WHAT.  But no, she's just fat.