different lives.

When I was 22 and 23, I kept a very regular blog.  I did write before and after that, but never as frequently or intensely as 2005, 2006, and 2007.  I just spent the last few hours (yes, hours) reading my old blog.  I've revisited it before but never as thoroughly as I just did.  

While I remember everything I wrote about so clearly, it still kind of felt like someone else had written it.  After getting over my initial gag reflex (gushing over an old boyfriend who didn't deserve it....gross.  Gross!) I started to like this girl.  I've spent a lot of time criticizing my past self (and my present self, who am I kidding?), but going through everything I wrote I had a major change of heart.  I felt her heartache and frustration, I laughed at her stupid jokes...I was really rooting for her.  I didn't expect that.

I said so many things without saying them.  I can't believe some of the stuff I got myself into.  I can't believe some of the stuff I put up with!!  In spite of those things, I still found a much gentler attitude towards this younger me.  I think I feel really lucky to have such a detailed, compelling account of those crazy, hilarious, lovesick times in my early 20s.  Whether or not its as bad or good as I thought it was, it meant a lot.  I think she'd be happy to know that everything turned out all right, eventually. 

I'm still rooting for you, kid. :)

Happy.

I'm one of those people who can sometimes feel bad about her life when comparing it to the constant positive news flashes of other Facebook users. ("How can someone be that happy and positive all the time?!")  I realize that this is most likely because those people would never broadcast their bad days to the public, but still.  I'm also not the kind of person to go overboard with my own feelings; fearing that others are not interested or worse, that they might be judgmental.  I certainly am!  Regardless of all those reservations, I have to say that I am so incredibly happy in my marriage.

This first week of the new year has given Tom and me a lot of opportunity to spend time together.  Although we've only been married for a short time, in March we will have known each other for 11 years.  From the perspective of this relationship, all my other romantic endeavors seem pretty silly.  Worthwhile and life changing, definitely!  I just find it amazing how long it took for me to get my shit together.  In Tom I have found a perfect confidant, mirror, and partner in crime.  Life is so much easier when you have someone who understands you.  So no apologies:  I am a lucky, lucky girl.  

I'm high maintenance; medically speaking.

I managed to jam 3 different doctors appointments in today.  Two were post-cancer related checkups.

Although I have almost 4 years distance from my little bout of thyroid cancer, its pretty easy to slip back into self-pitying "cancer patient" mode when you find yourself sitting in the same offices, seeing the same doctors, performing the same tests.  I think that I've learned to manage the fear pretty well, which is something I'm proud of.  This afternoon when Miriam the short ultrasound technician was pouring goo on my neck, I reminded myself not to look at the screen.  (Its easy to look at all those blurry shapes and patterns and assume the worst.  "Oh, that blob is definitely cancer...")  I am fortunate enough to have doctors who know me, remember details about my life (and actually seem to care), and always listen to me when I speak.  So there's that.  That's big.

Although it may sound morbid, on some level I think its good to be reminded of this disease every six months.  Its definitely a motivator to try and stay healthy.  And it most definitely reminds you not to sweat the small stuff.

So now I'm home and waiting for my legs to thaw out.  Its 25 degrees out...gross.

Hire me, please.

Just got back from dropping off another job application.  If only there were some other way to prove my worth...

Last year Tom and I had to stay in for New Year's Eve due to my being really sick.  (Unlike this year, when I was....oh yes, I was sick again.)  We started watching "The Fellowship of the Ring" and geeked out so much that we watched the full trilogy over the next few days.  Tonight will mark our second annual LOTR viewing.  Can't wait!!  One of my favorite revelations from last year?  Bret Mackenzie as that weird elf with one line.

We love you, Bret.

2012

One thing I find frustrating about myself is my tendency towards perfectionism.  Its not present in all things, but I just sat here for at least 5 minutes trying to think of a catchy opening line.  Why is it that I think not being able to do something perfectly means I can't do it?  (If I can't exercise every day at the same time, if I can't eat vegan x days in a row, if I can't write every day, etc.)  Silly.

I feel more hopeful starting this new year than I have in a long time.  2011 saw plenty of challenges, good and bad.  Hurricane Irene.  My perfect hurricane wedding.  I struggled to find work.  I finally decided to go back to school.  My oldest friendship failed.  I grew closer to my family.  I discovered just how awesome marriage is.  My friends showed me real love.  I feel that I'm finally choosing my own life, instead of being shaped by the circumstances around me.  Reading that back, its a pretty dramatic statement.  But I think its true.  Took me long enough.

So, here we go 2012.  I'm psyched to get started.